Day 13: 10 Things I can't live without

So apparently I need to come up with a top 10 list of things I couldn't live with out. I am going to modify this because my mind goes into two categories, food or tech. Both of them I could easily fill up 10 spots and frankly I am not about to choose between my number 1's.

So food:

10.) Bacon (I may be a vegetarian, but the smell makes me happy)
9.) Celery (Yummy empty food)
8.) Cupcakes (They are awesome, 'nuff said)
7.) Orange Juice (Helps me in a rush, when embarrassing lows make me blush)
6.) Tomato Soup (Is so great, I could slurp it from a plate)
5.) Cheese (So many types, so many flavors, I would cut you all with my real light saber)
4.) Peanut Butter (I could eat you with a spoon, underneath a bright full moon)
3.) Chocolate (If only they made sugar free that did not make me have to do the opposite of pee)
2.) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (See the other day)
1.) Pizza (Do I really need to explain this? See also cheese)

I must apologize for the weird rhyme, it truly must be a crime... Crap there I go again.

So tech:

10.) Google Hangouts (While these could be higher on the list, I am sticking it here you all get the gist).
9.) TV (While I don't use it often, when I need it, it knows what to do)
8.) iPod (Keeps me going when I run or else things would not be fun)
7) Alarm Clock (While not essential, I would not be able to wake up some most mornings without it)
6) Kindle (Gotta read)
5.) USB Contour Meter (Without you my life would suck)
4.) Dexcom (Gives me a clue as to what I should do)
3.) Insulin Pump (Keeps me alive)
2.) Laptop (Keeps me out of trouble.... HAHAHA, no seriously)
1.) Cell phone (Need to keep in touch with you all)

There are so many other things that could go on this list, but I was made to choose, so yeah. This is what I got.

Day 12: Stream of Conscious Day

Alright, I am not going to lie. When I saw this topic I immediately said to myself (close your eyes if you are younger than 15) "Oh fuck, I don't know if I can trust myself to be good in this post." Stream of thought, stream of conscious is never a good thing for me. I dig holes faster than I can get out of them sometimes and well yeah. We'll see what happens. Hope I don't offend anyone today.

"So we challenge you, start with this phrase: “Today I looked in the mirror and…” (Or another sentence you come across.) But sure to – Keep writing. Don’t stop for 15 minutes. Don’t edit. Post. Go!"

Today I looked in the mirror and notice something funny. Yeah, that's right  noticed me staring right back at me. Granted I had yet to put my contacts in or shave, but I saw myself staring back at me. I was half groggily smiling, which I think is good based upon the 5 hours of sleep I got last night. I blame the new books I have been reading. Psion Beta and Psion Gamma by Jacob Gawons really good. The second book I started and almost finished last night, whoops. So I am tired. However that is okay. My lack of sleep does not affect what I see in the mirror when I look at myself.

I see Brian, I see a sense of humor, I see a person. I do not see a person with type 1 diabetes. I do not see a person who has issues with this illness. I see me. A unique individual. Which is what I should be seeing. I am a person with diabetes, however, i try not to let this affect me. Yes, there are days when I want to scream, to yell, to use language even worse from what I typed above. Yet, I do not. Not because I don't want to. It is because I try my hardest to not let the illness define me. This can be soooo hard somedays. Usually, those days are the ones when I have THAT low or that HIGH that is just playing royal havoc with my entire day, week, life. Those are the days when I sigh and curse to myself. (Again I can curse enough to make a sailor blush). 

I cannot let my diabetes define me. Maybe yes shape part of who I am and who I have become, but not who I am. Dealing with this chronic illness can be difficult. It can lead one to be really depressed, overwhelmed, alone. It is hard to explain the feelings to others of a low of a high. Yes they see the after affects at times. They see the pools of sweat dripping from our foreheads, the vague looks of a low. They see the thirst, the peeing, the irritation of a high, but yet they cannot feel what we feel. They do not see the defeat, the heartbreak, the frustration. They sometimes think this is easy to handle. Just take your insulin, avoid sweets, kill rats... I mean pet cats, especially these two. If only people knew what this was truly like. JDRF once had the test or "live like a diabetic for a day" example. You know "pretend" to be a diabetic. That is a good idea, but it doesn't really do things justice. At the end of the day with all of the carb counting and rubber band snapping to simulate the testing, it is not the same. People may see the mental aspect of things and the work of living with this illness, they do not see the "mental" aspect or the "work" of living with diabetes.

Playing at an illness is one thing, but the day to day drain we encounter the emotional and sugarcal roller coasters we ride are not the same. People don't get me, don't get us. I have friends who have helped me out, who I can talk to about my fears, my frustrations, and anything else. I have others in the smaller group of people with diabetes online/offline I can talk to (Yet this group is growing immensely). They get me kinda. They know, but the rest of the world truly doesn't. 

I have no idea how I just got to this point. It's weird. The thing is that the rest of the world does not get me. I think this is why sometimes I write this blog so that those of us who need the support and help and guidance find someone to "get" them. I am more gotten now than I have been. Yet I have probably gotten more out of what others have posted than I care to admit. I am so glad for this.

My friends on the DOC and beyond have helped me so much. So, back to the origin of all of this. When I look at the mirror I see... I see Brian. I see me. I see who I am. I see my weaknesses and strengths. I see a unique person who has grown from have the diagnoses of type 1 diabetes, but mainly now I see a booger hanging from my nose... (YEAH I WENT THERE).

Thank you all for being there for me. You know who you are. I love you all. And this was way more than a 15 minute ramble. Oh well. 

Day 11: Theme Song

So for the Wego Health blog topic today I have been given the hint of Theme song. Imagine your health focus or blog is getting its own theme song. What would the lyrics be? What type of music would it be played to? 

I started to giggle a little bit about this one. My obvious thought was if I had a theme song what would it sound like, I heard the Andy Griffith theme in my head. Not because I am Andry Griffithy... but because I know of at least a few people who would claim I was a back woodsy sorta sheriff. I digress and Sara keep your comments to yourself. 

So my blog if it had a theme song and lyrics.... The obvious would be to the tune of Rafi's Banana Phone. If I just got this song stuck in your head, my bad. But thing about it: Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz Buzz, not my cell.... It could just write itself.

However, I am not one to write lyrics about my own blog theme song. That is where the creative writers at some other persons imagination crop in. I would hazard a guess that the theme song would be upbeat, poppish, with Piano and a little guitar. 

The lyrics well basically something like, "What is that?? Not my cell. What is that??? Not my cell!!" Honestly after that I got nothing other than monkey's and banana's playing tag in my head. Weird, but hey at least I admit it.

Day 10: Letter to Self.

When I saw today's topic of writing a letter to 16 year old Brian. I thought, I know I have done this before. While yes, I could have written a new letter to myself. I am cheating and borrowing from last years post.


Why? Well my mindset hasn't changed all that much, plus I thought I was quite clever when I wrote this last year.


Dear Brian,
It's me, a much older and well most likely wiser version of you writing to you about life as a person with diabetes in the future. I know you don't want to hear this, because well I know I didn't want to hear this but well I am going to pass my wisdom on to you anyway. Maybe you will ignore me, well I know what you will do. You will get pissed off that someone dares to talk to you about have diabetes. Who the hell am I to do that anyway? Yes, you think you know what you are doing. Yes you have survived doing what you have for so many years. I can't fault that. But just listen and think about things for a few minutes.

First and for most. Yes, a good, low a1c is nice, you can avoid many major complications. Yes what you have been doing shot wise is pretty good as well. But well you were never really taught about that entire difference between your NPH and your R/Humalog insulin. This is very important. Because while yes the twice daily injections of NPH are fine and keep you going at the 20 units a shot, the use of the fast acting insulin was not really explained to you. There is really no need to take the amount of insulin you were taking. The 15 units in the morning and evening while yes balanced out your sugars, have been dropping you low for years, this is why you are going to be hypo unaware. The Humalog insulin is not long term. It moves fast, it drops your sugar. You wonder why you were low so often. It had nothing to do with being cunning or outsmarting your illness. You could have died. In fact in the future you will come close a few times due to your ignorance. It is not really your fault. As far as I can remember I don't quite remember any of our endo's from the first at diagnosis to the last one we had before moving to a pump, really explaining this insulin and carbs and shit to us. You are lucky and were lucky. Take a few minutes to educate yourself and ask questions. I promise you can still control your a1c's. I promise.
That was probably the most important thing. Testing, testing goes hand in hand with everything else. Yes it is a pain in the ass. Especially back in the day when meter's took a minute to test. The longest minute ever. Yet, some of your issues and problems could have been avoided had you tested more. You might have seen the affects of the insulin regime you were on. Instead, you took a long hiatus from testing because of the waste of time you found it to be. You are given 168 hours in the week to do with as you please. Why not waste a few minutes of that time to keep an eye on things. Than maybe mom won't keep asking you, "Brian are you ok? You seem grumpy, do you need to eat?" Yes those questions are annoying, but there is a reason to this. Your mom actually is paying attention and cares. Don't be a fool.


So those are the big things. But I just want to encourage you to take a more active stance on life and take control of being a person with diabetes. There are camps out there to get involved in, something I never did. It will be awesome if you go. You can talk to people and learn stuff. Stuff you might need. People I know who went to camps loved it. Pumps are not a bad thing. They are not for people who can't "control" their diabetes or did a poor job. You are an idiot for thinking that. Hell where did you even get that idea? Idiot I swear. Well again, you will learn more when you meet people who also are PWD's. Don't ignore them. Talk to them. It will help. You are truly not alone in this.


At the same time, don't change. You will be an awesome guy. Have people laughing at you all the time. You can be a positive force in the hidden world you have chosen to hide in. I promise you, it is worth it. You meet some characters. I know and hell you will become one yourself. I hope this helps. But I promise you, this is just some friendly advice from well you. I know you won't like to hear this, but I thought you should know some stuff. It will help you from other more embarrassing moments.

Sincerely,
Brian at 30 years and 16 years with D.



So I mailed myself this letter, and I got a response. I hate younger Brian.

Dear Old Man Brian,

I just got your message. I wanted to thank you for your concern with how I deal with my diabetes. But you see, I know what I am doing and nothing bad has happened. Why should I fix something that isn't broke. I don't really care what you think. You and your "years" of experience. My years have kept me safe and well f-off. Sorry, don't care. I can handle this on my own.


Sincerely,
Brian the smarter and wiser


*Disclaimer*
Apparently I was not as polite a person as I am now. What an ass... Oh well. Glad I don't have to deal with 16 year old Brian all that much.