Tangled (Not the movie)

So the picture from yesterday's blog post of my tubing tied to my hoodie was pretty much the epitome of the days of well not frustration I have had, but just the days I have had.

You get the smaller version today.

For me, while I have had my ups and downs in my life lately with D. In the course of a month I have had two visits from ambulances due to ninja lows. That sucked ass, there was the low the following night after the first visit with the cool kids in the ambulance, you know the sweat drenched low that you wake up to at 3:00 in the morning, not to mention the realization that you now have to do the laundry.

Otherwise, to me D and I have been living our lives quite well. The thing though is that in our life even when things are "great" and we have had some #nohitters or "awesome" a1c's. The internal struggle the infernal frustration is still there. There is the line from Sir Walter Scott "Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive." That pretty much sums everything up in a nutshell. (oh dear, I just realized I forgot to properly space a paragraph.... be right back.)

This is not supposed to turn into anything angsty or depressing and I hope I don't wander in that direction. The thing is even when we are on top of things, even when all is good. There is no one way to live a day of D without problems. I know there are people out there who are super regimented in what they do. This is a fake quote btw.... "I wake up every morning and eat one cup of cheerios with 1/2 cup of milk for x carbs. I take x amount of insulin to cover everything. For lunch it is the 2 slices of wonder bread with 4 slices of turkey and a piece of lettuce with 8 pringles for x carbs. I take x amount of insulin to cover it. For dinner I have a 1/4lb chicken leg with 1 cup of broccoli and a glass of milk for x carbs. I take x amount of insulin to cover it. That is all I eat, I log, I bolus and I never ever go low. My diabetes is in complete control." You know what bullshit.

How is ones diabetes in complete control when it consumes your life. I cannot eat that or it will throw everything off. I can't do that it is not in my plan. You know what you are right. Your diabetes is in control. Not the control you think though. It is running your life it has taken control of the food you eat, the snacks you want, the drinks you drink. How can you live your life like that?? (If this is what you do, I apologize for my snarkiness.) On some level your life is a lie. You are deceiving yourself that you have everything in control. What do you do if you only have 3/4 cup of cheerios due to some mix up in your planning or you can't eat your turkey because it went bad on you? Than what? What if you want to eat the yummy peanut butter cup or Reese's Egg?? Now who is in control??

We lie to ourselves all the time whether our D is super regimented or we are lax at times in our treatment. I mean yes, I test my blood sugar all the time. Yes I bolus for what I eat, except for the periodic stop at DD and get coerced into a doughnut and forget about said doughnut. My a1c says that things are great for me, and you know what I agree with that 75% of the time. I also realize that I have lied to myself. Gotten tangled in the proverbial tubing. I don't always use the carb function on my pump and I really should. (That's what got me in trouble a few times in the past.) I don't always want to learn from my mistakes, even though I can.

The thing is that for each of us we do different things to take care of our D. Whether we are super regimented with no changes in our routine or all over the place. The thing that we need to remember though is that we can't deceive ourselves in either direction. Yes, our D is in control. Yes I have this. Or maybe, I need to be more aware of not eating this or testing more. There is always more we could be doing. The thing to remember though is that even though D can get tangled up in our lives on all levels from tubing to eating. We need to be in control and not let it control us. We need to be able to splurge and eat that cupcake or peanut butter cup. Yet we also need to be aware of when we should or can eat said item and when we should wait for the blood sugar to go back down.

The events of the past few weeks have left me a little shaken on my own stability front of being aware of and catching my lows. Yet at the same time, they did give me something to be aware of. The things that I need to be doing, handling, and treating. Each of us faces D a little differently. Yet we must face it and control it. Not let it control us.

(Steps off soapbox)....