The title says it all. Today is just a rambling day for me. I have no plan for what I am writing. I have no direction, map, or clue. But I felt for some reason I should share my ramblings out loud or well inwardly read. 'Cause unless you have some reader, reading my blog to you it is all in your head. Hell some of you don't even know what I sound like. I mean for all I know you could be giving me some weird pitchy voice, southern accent, Barry White voice, or even worse you could think I was from Iowa, Nebraska, or something like that. Eeew. (See rambling)
I was reading blogs, following twitter, you know Monday morning stalking instead of doing work, balancing checkbook, paying bills... You know the big stuff. And I just so many things that made me a little jealous(?!?) Not sure if that is the right phrase. I mean we have people who are so excited about no hitters for the weekend. People celebrating diaversaries. People decorating offices with pictures (one of which I think I made it into). It is so awesome.There are people talking about the support of the DOC, which is great. Also, mentions of a meet up in a few weeks (that I am jealous of, stupid job and people making me perform weddings). Others have spoken about getting things setup or already booked or kinda booked for FFL12. (I need to find a roommate or plans or something to defray my costs this year).
So many plans, so many ideas, so many great things out there. Yet I sit here just like blah. You know I celebrate all of their joy and happiness. I love my friends of the DOC. Sometimes, I just am jealous of them too. They all have people to turn to, not that I don't. Yet, they all also see each other from time to time, can make the plans, can travel in some ways, or their friends were made due to type-1 meet ups. It's weird.
In the end, as active as I am in the community. As many friends as I have. All the fun I have there is still a strange loneliness. I can't really explain it. I mean I have been doing this pretty much alone since January 1995. I am used to it. Now though I have gotten the taste of what its like to have people to chat with. To wander around a hotel with and when I start buzzing not have the "What's that question?" or to walk around a lake and talk about any and everything on my mind. To complain about the fact that the run I just did has decided to make me go and live in the 43 mg/dl and how annoying it is.
It is not burn out, it is not hating the disease. I have moved well beyond it. I guess somehow my ramblings led me to a path of walking the path alone. I have a good friend who has type-1, we chat about things. In fact it was talking with her that helped me turn my own lack of care around. But it isn't the same. I can't explain it. I have truly made some totally awesome friends. Those in Missouri, Florida, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Iowa, Texas, Nebraska, Michigan. Yet, they are so FAR away. I mean, it's not like I can hop into my private jet and fly to see them. It kinda sucks. I have made a bond with them, they get me, most get my sarcasm (one doesn't), most will laugh at my bad jokes, its great. But now I don't get to see them again until who knows when.
I am hoping next July if my vacation and funds allow it. But still it is weird. The support of the DOC is amazing, the friends are awesome. Just to damn far away. I think I may make a Diasphere and invite them all to come and live with me. It would make life so much easier.
You guys rock. Thanks for everything. I hope to see you soon.
Wow... How the heck did I get there from my beginning? See, I told you I didn't know where I was going with this.